Running My Biggest Dream: Marathon Announcement

I am officially announcing my intention to run the Richmond Marathon in November as my first full marathon. I make this commitment approximately 1 year after my condition began its wrath to destroy my first attempt towards the marathon last October. Today I embark on a journey to concur my dreams, defeat fear, strengthen my soul, and push my mental fortitude. Today I start on the home stretch towards running my first marathon. I say the homestretch because the decision to run this race, to pick a coach, and to finally march 100% into this training for this fall is one 7+ years into the making. It is not out of laziness, lack of will, lack of belief in myself, lack of training, or lack of metal fortitude that made me unable to complete this goal until now. It was lack of other people’s belief in me with my condition, and then the failure of my own body that have made this journey so long and arduous.

My journey to this marathon began in 2007 when I started running 5ks. I loved the 5k. It was hard because I’d never identified as a runner. I was slow running 12 minute miles but I got it done. I was also arthritic a very early case, but a diagnosed arthritic.  Seven years ago things in the rheumatology industry were different doctors believed in not stressing the joints they believed in saving them through rest. It is funny that since then we have found that you are more likely to save your joints not with rest by actually moving them. Part of this discovery was led by people like myself who wouldn’t take no for an answer.

That little set of 5ks I ran at turtle pace tested me and it made me ask the question “How far can I go?” It gave me friends with healthy running lifestyles who accepted me and pushed me forward despite what my doctors were telling me. I watched these runners in awe as they ran sub 9 minute paces and marathons. Like a child looking at its mother I said that’s what I want to be when I grow up.  I approached my doctors in 2007 with the plan to run a full marathon in 2008. I mentally could not get past running 5 miles at the time so perhaps this idea was crazy. I did not know how I would get to 26.2 but I was determined to run a marathon. 

Knowing my health would be a concern I approached my doctors, and the rheumatologist flat out told me no so fast I didn’t have time to finish my questions or blink. I could have simply walked away and said I can’t do this because my doctors told me no.  However being diagnosed at 25 with arthritis changed the way I viewed the world and I wanted to live with no regrets. I wanted to push myself and be as healthy as I could be as long as I could because I knew time was not on my side. Instead of accepting no I bent the rules, and bought a bike. I found a training program and came skipping into my next appointment full of joy announcing “You said no marathons, but you didn’t say no to 100 mile bike races!” You can imagine the frustration of my doctor whose head just dropped and as he shook it suggesting no grumbled in distress and he stated “Just don’t fall off the bike.” You see he did not tell me no because he knew in that moment that I would not give up and that I had the will to see myself through.

That first endurance race was the drug that got me hooked, but it was also the training that almost destroyed me. A funny thing happened during this time my doctor who was distressed became my greatest cheerleader. When I had my moment of cracking thinking they had been right and I would give up it was that very doctor who told me I was not battling miles but a chronic disease. He told me I was strong enough to do this and made a medical plan to get me there. I cried at the finish of the 109 mile El Tour de Tucson in 2008 and in that moment an athlete was born.

The century ride was the first of many races I would do over the years. I went on to do a triathlon the next year concurring that 5 mile mental barrier finishing 10ks and 8 miles. I continued onto 10 milers, half marathons, and even a half ironman triathlon. Despite this one distance daunted me asking to be concurred the 26.2 marathon.

Last year despite my health I had been given the go ahead to finally train for the marathon. Despite that my condition got the best of me and 10 days before my marathon I was pulled. My longest run was 16 miles in blistering heat with searing pain. Despite the pain and struggle I was destroyed to be told no to my great dream.

The truth was that the marathon I had intended to run in October 2013 was the first of a series of five I’d run in the next 12 months. I was projected to run very close or just under the 4 hour mark, and ultimately my goals were much higher than a single marathon. I’d spent years watching my friends run a distance that I coveted as my own. Those years they strived to not just run the distance but run it at a pace known as the Boston Qualifier. Some of my friends through dedication and hard work snagged those times. As my run times began to slide and significantly dipped in the spring of 2013 I saw the possibility of not just running a marathon but running the most prestigious marathon of them all Boston. I’d settled myself into the mentality of work to make that qualifier a reality within a year of my first marathon because I knew having arthritis time was not on my side. Time proved me right it was not on my side so after being pulled down I was given a second assault in the order to not attempt a Boston Qualifier.

You can run a marathon with averages of 30-35 miles a week and peak weeks hitting 40-45 miles, but to qualify for Boston most athletes will have to run at least 50% more than this. It is not just the number of miles it’s the quality and type of miles you must run as well. Instead of doing 4 miles of speed work you might do 5-8 miles of speed work. Instead of 20 minutes of hill repeats you might do 45. The running training in its own right is brutal but to ensure a quality strong fast run you have to focus on your mental ability to deal with pain. You must work your core so it is strong, build muscles, and then your nutrition must be top notch. Unless you are a Kenyan qualifying for Boston is 90% training and 90% blind luck. The training comes from the obvious hard work often assisted by a coach which I was willing to pay for. The blind luck means you don’t have a freak accident, bad weather on race day, and that the day of the race works with you and your run. Qualifying for Boston you give 100% and hope that the day will equally give you 100%. I’ve seen countless athletes miss the finish time required for Boston by minutes, and others miss despite training runs stating they would press forward just because the day did not work for them.

Despite being told this no to qualify I am still determined to go to Boston. Right now I am anxiously waiting to hear if I can and will run the 2015 Boston Marathon. I’ve requested a charity for Arthritis make a bid for bibs. The charities that will have bibs will be announced this week.

Whether I go to Boston or not I decided this spring to cross another big item off my bucket list the Goofy Challenge at Walt Disney World. This challenge is a half marathon followed by a marathon the next day. I have no intentions of running this marathon for pace due to running the half the day before.

Due to the prospect of Boston and the Goofy I was stuck with a tough situation. If I was just doing Goofy should I let this be my first marathon and just take it as it comes? I have succeeded at multi day challenges before so Goofy was not a fear in this realm. I would like to go into the Disney Marathon strong however which means running a Marathon in the Fall would be my best bet to guarantee I know what to expect. When rumblings started to watch for the Boston Charity announcement from the charity I contacted it became even more apparent running a marathon this fall may take precedence to the dream of running a <2:00 half this fall. If I run Boston I want to do it strong. I want to show arthritics are resilient and that no pain or disease can hold back a strong heart and mind. This means I need big miles I need to be acclimated with the distance. I can’t go into one of the most difficult prestigious courses with no real marathons under my belt. I need to go with confidence, because though I did not qualify I am not slow. I also am arthritic but I am not weak. Running Boston for Charity becomes bigger than my dream I become the image of the dreams of others and the face of a charity for those people who can’t run. I become an ambassador which means I bring my game shoes not my playground shoes.

Despite this knowledge making the decision to run a marathon this fall was difficult. It meant possibly losing the <2:00 half until late next spring. This was a big goal for me and had been on the table since 2013. It meant toggling my schedule with my upcoming wedding. It meant facing my fears. Yes I said my fears, and those fears were so great they were terrifying. My condition took something from me last year. I’ve yet to recoup my times from Spring 2013, or lose all the pain in my hips. I tire easier and longer distances are much more painful than they once were. Despite clean x-rays there is damage that will never be right again. The last year has made me fearful, and the 26.2 distance is now not just daunting me it is not as pleasant an idea as it once was.

Today however I look at this in front of me and say the marathon is what I want. I have time for that <2:00 half. I feel I am running out of time to run a strong hard fast marathon. Perhaps that fear is a liar and the voice of doubt in my own head. I however won’t know unless I try so I must let go of that fear and push forward. My goal when I started running was not to run half marathons it was to run the Marathon, and as I proceeded to excel at running to run the marathon well. Today I have decided to face my fear, to face this disease, and to be the person I dream to be. I’ve decided the time is not tomorrow because tomorrow is not given the time is now to prep for the marathon. My schedule will have to shift but I am ready to face this fear and I am ready to not just run my first marathon but finish it strong and ready should Boston knock on my door.

Learning to Never Say Never: Facing the Hurricane Within

After 8 years of battling autoimmune arthritis the one thing I’ve learned is this mess will always surprise you. Never think you’ve found the most annoying symptom, worst pain, or most exhausting symptom because Arthur can and will find a way to give you something new that beats the pants off your prior record breaker.

Autoimmune arthritis is always evolving because it’s a war inside of ourselves. Our immune systems go hungry for something to do, something to attack, and that hunger makes it crazy sending it to attack what should be its allies inside us. This disease has no end to what it will snack on mindlessly like a zombie.

This makes the situation increasingly frustrating as our lives move forward and captain crazy pants Arthur grows. It moves from joint to joint, from soft tissue to soft tissue infiltrating every part of the body that houses your soul. Nothing is beyond Arthur’s reach. Things you though would certainly be safe from this disease’s wrath are not, parts you thought couldn’t hurt do, and that extra sleep you got the last five days straight doesn’t cut it.

This is why I’ve stopped quantifying and classifying my pain levels, and annoyances. I’ve been taught there are so many types of pain and most people will be privileged to never experience the full bouquet enough to know the difference between rosey joint pain, ivy nerve pain, and lily of the valley muscle pain. This puts us in a sad position of being alone in a world full of people, often feeling like we are shouting in a crowded room of deaf people. It is not that people can’t be empathetic or try to be understanding it is that most people have nothing to compare our situation with. They simply cannot mentally grasp the situation because their experiences have nothing that encompasses the breath of our disease state. Instead their empathy becomes pity, contempt, sadness, etc. for us when we simply want to be understood.

This lack of ability to understand is why so many with these diseases become frustrated because they have no outlet of understanding or camaraderie. This is also why it is so important we put our stories out there to spread awareness. The general population understand cancer is awful because it kills people, they do not understand autoimmune disease because it has been shoved into the shadow of misunderstanding. They view arthritis as that pain you did to yourself, they don’t understand we did not consciously do this to ourselves this is a war we did not choose. This war inside my body is charged by a crazed leader with zombie troops that don’t know any better. My pain is not that one bad knee my friend has its both knees, my back, my hips, my ribs, my muscles, my nerves, my eyes, etc.

This disease isn’t just about joints it is about the whole body. Anything that is soft and digestible to Arthur is a war zone. People do not understand that this is literally a war we are fighting every day. It is not just our joints that are casualties but our eyes, our tendons, muscles, ligaments we are being eaten from the inside out. We are being torn apart by a storm that cannot be seen a hurricane from within. The medical community wants to harness that hurricane and shut it down but all it has is sand bags and evacuation strategies there is no way to truly stop the storm only ways to batten down the hatches and hope for less destruction through preparing for the storm that never ends.

This storm inside me isn’t completely negative though it has taught me a lot of amazing things because I was lucky and had the support to get there. It has taught me what matters, and who matters. It has taught me to put myself first. It has made me stronger than I ever imagined I could be. However sometimes I still feel isolated and frustrated because these gifts were not really a choice but forced upon me. The alternative was to curl up in a corner and cry myself into the abyss.

No matter how many people I meet in similar situations, how much awareness we raise, how many great doctors/treatments we receive, or how many great supporters we have this battle is still ours alone which is isolating. Furthering that isolation is the constant evolution and progression. Never say never to this disease because it will prove you wrong. In my 8 years back pain which I thought was the worst pain imaginable moved joint by joint through my body each proving more frustrating and aggravating than the last. Perhaps that was the newness of each movement or the growing number of systems affected. I found joints I’d never had like my ribs breathing without thought is a gift especially in the morning or running when you struggle from pain you realize how amazing our bodies are and how fragile at the same time. I found we have joints in our larynx your ability to speak again a miracle. I found this disease has no mercy if it is soft it is lunch. When I developed sensory neuropathy that was annoying as I struggled grasping objects and with new-fangled touch screens that daunted me, but again there is always something more annoying. The disease moving into my bursa sacks causing stabbing pains, or my ligaments/tendons causing swelling after exercise. The muscular attack causing my body to react against the running I loved locking me up after workouts. Currently it is my eyes I lost the ability to produce the oil layer of tears. I’m constantly putting in drops like a pro to just be able to see due to eyes so dry my vision becomes scattered. To top it all off there is the fatigue that makes the already exhausting pain and annoyances seem a thousand times worse at times.

Despite all of this I do have hope. I believe in a cure. I believe the current treatments, and my emotional support system has made my life better. I believe my getting this mess was for a reason to help others live fuller lives with these diseases as well. No annoyance, pain, or exhaustion will stop me on the road to my own dreams.  I hope that road encourages more of us to continue on our individual paths of hope, prosperity, and happiness. The truth is happiness is a choice, and I refuse to let this monstrous war inside me forget that I have the choice to smile despite it. I am thankful every day I have and for those who keep me going in my worst moments. My life may never be easy again but I plan to make every moment I can worthwhile. 

Captain Angry Bones

2014 St. Michaels Half: PR under the Glaring Sun

This Spring season has been all about one thing rebuild and redemption. After losing my entire fall to Arthur’s revenge I had a lot I felt I needed to prove to myself while rebuilding at the same time. Rebuilding is quite a process coming off of injury, but its even more difficult coming back from a chronic disease that leaves permanent damage as a reminder of its wrath. One of my goals for this spring was to set a PR in the half marathon since my PR they year before was not what it could have been considering my fitness levels at the time. I had hoped to set a <2:00 on course for the first time, but that will have to wait for fall. For now I am happy to say that though redemption is not complete St. Michael’s Half is reaffirming that rebuild and redemption is well underway.

St. Michaels Half marathon is held in St. Michaels Maryland on the eastern shore. It is broadcast as one of the flattest courses on the east coast. This race comes at a precarious time of year the middle of may which in the mid-atlantic region can potentially be very hot. The good news is this year it was mild temperatures, the bad news is that they don’t broadcast the amount of sun on the course.

           My husband and I left for St. Michaels on Friday May 16^th the night before the race. We had a nice 2.5 hour drive out to the eastern shore. Upon arriving we picked up my packet, wandered the town, ate dinner, and then I spent some time in the hot tub before bed. My main concerns on Friday were hydration and getting to bed early before the race. Since we would be up early I made sure to lay out everything I’d need before the race and organize everything I’d need for after due to us checking out early Saturday Morning. 

                Saturday morning we woke up early allowing extra time to get to the race start since traffic warnings had been posted. Despite this we arrived at the time the race was just supposed to start because the traffic was worse than anticipated. Due to the many people who were still parking they delayed the race start which on some levels was good because as a skeptical runner who doesn’t like to use the facilities during a race it gave me time to find a restroom. On another level this was bad because it meant 30 minutes later start which in terms of running and mornings in late spring can alter a race for a faster runner significantly by huge temperature or sun increases. The sun increase was the killer for me at St. Michaels.

                The start as stated was half an hour behind. The first half of the race was beautiful, through the town, along the shore through a park, through the golf course, and through neighborhoods. All of the scenery was beautiful and it was shady. I held consistent 8:45 paces which were faster than I intended to go out but I felt fantastic. I could talk to people at this pace it didn’t feel like I was pushing and overall I felt strong like a great push was in me for the 2^nd half.

                Lately I’ve taken a strategy of breaking races into three parts for effort. This strategy worked well for me in my training, and in the airport 10k. For a half marathon I start the first 5 miles at the top level of my comfortable pace just at the point I know if I push harder we’re looking at discomfort. The next 5 miles is just a little harder so just into the uncomfortable zone because now I’m warm. The last 3 miles is set to be deep into the uncomfortable zone close to my projected 5k pace. This pushing effort should make for a negative split and fast building race times. This was the strategy I took to St. Michaels.

                My strategy cracked in St. Michaels not due to heat, lack of nutrition, dehydration, but due to sun. The second half of the race was on open straight a-ways between Easton and St. Michaels. Due to starting half an hour late the sun was high an hour in and continued to get higher through the run. Each mile became harder and harder and my paces slipped. The only saving grace for me was it wasn’t hot and there was a breeze.  I watched many runners crack at the turn arounds coming back and towards the end of the race. One thing Tinkerbell, and Princess both taught me was that despite exhaustion or pain I could push and not crack and so as the miles and sun built onto me I kept pushing.

                As the sun bore down on me my times slipped I became frustrated. I kept pushing with harder effort and they kept slipping. I knew instinctually from the worst burn I’d ever had a week before that this was due to the Remicade and sun not working well together. Yet despite my frustration I knew I had a PR in me and I’d come close to my ultimate goal of a<2:00 if I just kept pushing so I did. I knew if I gave in I’d be unhappy with myself.

              

          As I passed mile 10 I decided I would really attempt to push through the sun and gain faster times closer to what my start was. I was now holding 9:30’s and 9:40’s. I pushed harder and maintained my pace’s in the 9’s despite the push, and the sun just got higher. I was drenched in sweat. At mile 11 I tried again and I had limited success in a short shade patch then slipped again. I mentally told myself you have less than 2 miles you will finish running get to mile 12 and do a final push. I got to 12 and made my move only now I was in 9:50’s my move got me nowhere fast half a mile into this push in the sun I was no faster instead I was ready to puke. The effort in the sun was so hard my body wasn’t having it. To make matters worse my hip started to get wonky on me at a quarter mile into mile 12. I could feel it grinding and get super wobbly. I was no longer comfortable in any sense of the word. Along the way in the last 4 miles while passing people who stopped to walk I encouraged them telling them they were almost there, and in this last mile I saw many cracked runners from the sun. It was my experience of running with Arthritis that allowed me to not be one of them.

At this last half mile my body wanted to walk but my fear inside told me if you start walking in this .6 to the finish you will not finish. My hip was shot I’d thrown it out, but I knew in order to finish I had to continue with a running stride. I just kept telling myself those last 5 minutes keep pushing the time doesn’t matter and I would PR no matter what if I kept running, if I stopped I was done. As I came across the bridge on the path before the last turn into the last .25 I felt my hip shake again and mentally I sucked it up and pushed. I didn’t get any faster in fact I was slowing but I knew I had to keep running. When the shoot appeared people passed me my push kept me even in pace, and as I crossed the line and started to slow into a walk I almost collapsed. During the end of the race I’d counted 4 ambulances leaving the finish. As my hip gave out and I almost fell to the ground 3 people shot out into the shoot asking if I was ok ready to catch me. I said yes and managed to pull myself together walking wobbly out of the shoot. My finish at St. Michaels was a 2:00:56 a PR of 2 minutes!

As stated my goal was a PR first and a <2:00 second. I did not make my ultimate goal but I came very close and I know that means my next race will finally support the <2:00 I’ve been seeing in training. I was proud of this run because I truly gave it my all. I had a lot of difficulties for days after this race my hips and quads were absolutely done. Had the sun not been so high I probably would have finished in the projected 1:52 at the halfway point of the race, but to me that doesn’t matter. What mattered from this race was the continued lesson I can push through pain, through exhaustion, and I can finish well. I can finish strong. Strength is not always a power surge at the end or gut speed like at the Airport 10k, sometimes the greatest strength is knowing your body gave you its all and allowing it to finish with grace. I feel that this race was run with grace my body gave a lot through the sun and I am proud of every step and every mile despite a huge positive split in times. I know I earned the PR I gained those 2 minutes were won through a hard mental and physical fight in the last portions of the race. Next time <2:00 but for now I am proud to continue to see slow strides in not just running, but my endurance with my personal struggles. I am thankful for every mile my body gave me and learning to trust myself rather than give in.

 Captain Angry Bones