Yesterday I was dealt a blow that hurt me more than I
expected it would. The Boston Marathon Athletic Association announced their
charity partners for 2015 and the one I am partnered with (Arthritis National
Research Foundation) was not one of the charities selected. My heart was
crushed as a runner Boston is the marathon to run, and I had been told to not
attempt a qualifier due to the rigorous training with my condition. After only
a few minutes of thought and some conversations with my mother and husband I realize
there is something bigger out there meant for me than just going via charity to
Boston. The truth is everything has a
reason and there is perhaps a huge reason why ANRF was not chosen and it had
nothing to do with its size, location away from Boston, or my personal story
not being enough. I feel that perhaps is something much greater working here,
and though I am not sure what the reason was yet I have my suspicions that I am
being asked to step up into bigger shoes.
I rarely talk about my personal religious beliefs. I believe
religion is a relationship between you and what you choose to identify with if
you choose to identify with anything at all. Like a marriage I believe certain
things in that relationship should be private and this not my lack of belief in
god is why I don’t talk about it. Last night’s blow however made me realize that
my god is potentially telling me I am worth more than just a Charity bib, and
that maybe I am underestimating myself. Don’t get me wrong god could just be
saying 2015 is not the year for you, or that I may not even be able to run a
marathon with the strength necessary to do another after the ones I have
scheduled. One thing I do know is that there is a reason for this blow, and I
have belief that it is not a negative one. I believe that the things in life
that knock us down are meant to be used as stepping stones for growth, and this
is why I believe god is telling me you are worthy of more than this.
To further my belief that maybe I’m being told that I’ve
been sold short is the fact I now have a coach who with only two meetings one
of which I actually ran he seems to believe that I have been sold short. He believes coaches haven’t been willing to
push me. He believes I have a great love of running, passion, and ability to
match but my confidence is lacking. My training though ok to get there has
never been structured enough to gain the results I am capable of. The truth is
I was too nervous to hire a coach in the past due to fears I would crumble. My
lack of confidence due to my disease and my complex medical problems allowed
volunteer coaches to not push me to my greatest heights. The truth is I have
been sold short by myself and allowed others to do the same. Through focus and
structure I can be a much better runner than I am but I have to change the way
I think and work hard to get there.
To top off the lack of belief in me as an athlete my doctors
have not helped. I have a team of doctors who were nervous when I started running;
they are just now accepting that it has helped me on a lot of levels. That
acceptance doesn’t mean they don’t continue to worry about wear and tear over
the years on top of my condition. This
is the reason they’ve told me to not attempt a Boston Qualifier because last
year in training I threw my hips out, and the spring prior my knees went nuts.
They are not willing to clear the high intensity training because of this. Maybe this thought process needs to be
disregarded because the truth is it is not my fault I fell apart last year I
had a condition that was in downward spiral out of control for over two years.
Since the start of remicade I’m certainly not in remission but I am stable for
the first time in almost three years. This is an entirely different situation than
when I attempted a low grade marathon training plan on last year. Furthermore
this year I’m not attempting the marathon on my own but with a coach who is
taking a plan and will modify it to get the best out of me. I have to remember
I am swimming uncharted waters with this disease and I have let my doctors like
myself sell my abilities short.
I will not know until I get through this marathon training
if my suspicion is true, but right now I’m going to hold the belief in my heart
that the lord is telling me to prepare for a storm. The storm is the attempt to
Boston Qualify. All I can do right now is focus hard on this training plan and
see where it leads me. If I hold against this wind I march forward into the eye
of the storm. It is time for me to batten down the hatches and stand up to the
storm not evacuate like I have in the past. It is time for me to see if I can
hold against the first bands of wind and rain and if I can hold strong in this
training then my first marathon it is time for me to do what I do best and not
take no for an answer.
The simple truth is I feel I’m being told it’s my time to
take a stand. Boston you may not consider our charity worthy enough to be on your
bill board, but we are. To my doctors you may not think I am strong enough to
do this but I think you have sold me short. I won’t know for several months yet
but for now I need to hold in my heart the belief that I am being told a lie
and that I am worth so much more than this lie. I have to believe first to get
my dream that not only am I worthy to run Boston despite arthritis, but that I
am able to prove that I’m capable. So though I am not announcing yet my
intentions to Boston Qualify, my heart is telling me listen to your body if it
works with you this training season don’t listen to the nay sayers just push
onward. It was the simple answer of “No” that drove me into endurance sports
and now maybe it’s the simple double “no” that I need to excel as a
runner. It is time to work hard, push
for results, and believe in the purpose that I am not just worthy I am capable
and I am not just an arthritic. I am a runner to the core and this disease is
not my master, my life can help others. Even if I can’t have my charity on a
master list I can raise funds and show everyone in the process that I am what
Boston was made of. I am worthy Boston and though I’m not ready to say it quite
yet, just know in a few months you may just get my scream of “Boston Your Challenge
Has Been Accepted”.
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