100 Miles 100 Tears of Joy

One of the reasons I love to run is some of my greatest epiphanies happen on my runs. Over the last two almost 3 years my running has been cut short. Today on my 3 mile recovery easy run I realized I would hit 61 miles today the 19^th of the month putting me on track to top 100 by the end of August.

If you are not a runner the idea of 100 miles may not really impress you. If you’re an arthritic runner the idea of 100 miles in one month may floor you. 100 miles is a lot of training its 25 miles a week. Most runners run paces between 8-12 minutes a mile. I run about 9 minutes on easy runs this means 25 miles will take me 225 minutes or 3 hours and 45 minutes. In 4 weeks I will run 15 hours. That’s a lot of running!

This little epiphany sent me to the point of happy tears. The last 3 years I have had heavy battles. Its been almost 4 years since I had a 100 mile month it was before I broke my leg in 2011. The months where I ran this mileage was sparse then too: I was not as advanced as I am now in the sport and I still had my growing arthritic battle.

Over the last several years my condition has forced me to focus on quality over quantity. This means pushing as hard as possible in my workouts with what structure I had to make the most gains. Now I am capable of carrying moderately high mileage and harder workouts my body will reap even greater rewards than the amazing ones I got with <25 miles a week.

For the last 3 years I’ve played the game of trying not to anger Arthur or trying to recover from his wrath. Constant rounds of prednisone to knock my disease back losing workouts to the disease. Not able to run more than 3-4 days a week and only 1-2 mid/high mileage days cost me mileage that could have been structured to make gains in performance.

100 is a magical number it means your body is capable of high mileage it’s the base to building amazing running. You can train for a marathon running 100 miles a month, but I know my training this round will push me to closer to 150+ in a month or so. I am truly excited to see that I’ve never been capable of running more than 30-40 miles a week. Going into this training that mileage scared me. This first base month with a coach has showed me body can and will put up with that mileage now. I do still lose workouts that my healthy counterparts don’t but they are far fewer than in the past. My body is not just surviving these miles it is thriving in them!

Facing I will run over 100 miles this month is sheer joy. I have remicade to thank for this. Although I get 2 rough weeks every 8 cycle, I can handle it because it is far better than I felt before this drug. The reality is a real remission is very unlikely for me, but this state of stability is fantastic. I can only hope it continues for as long as possible. A year ago I was facing injections in my hips. A year ago I was terrified I couldn’t run a marathon. Last October I was scared I’d never run the same way again. I kept running because I love it not because it was pleasant. Now when I run it is much easier and for that I’m grateful. I’m thankful to be on a protocol that keeps my body from fighting me every step I take most days. I’m thankful to have the joy of running again. I am blessed to finally reach 100 miles after 3 years of downward spiral.  For all of these reasons I shout with joy because it’s the small miracles like this that make the greatest most profound impacts on our lives. Be joyful in the moment that is given and the battle well won. My battle continues but for now I will relish the fact that I’m able to finally enjoy many of the miles I love so much once again.

Broken by Boston to Build Stronger

Yesterday I was dealt a blow that hurt me more than I expected it would. The Boston Marathon Athletic Association announced their charity partners for 2015 and the one I am partnered with (Arthritis National Research Foundation) was not one of the charities selected. My heart was crushed as a runner Boston is the marathon to run, and I had been told to not attempt a qualifier due to the rigorous training with my condition. After only a few minutes of thought and some conversations with my mother and husband I realize there is something bigger out there meant for me than just going via charity to Boston.  The truth is everything has a reason and there is perhaps a huge reason why ANRF was not chosen and it had nothing to do with its size, location away from Boston, or my personal story not being enough. I feel that perhaps is something much greater working here, and though I am not sure what the reason was yet I have my suspicions that I am being asked to step up into bigger shoes.

I rarely talk about my personal religious beliefs. I believe religion is a relationship between you and what you choose to identify with if you choose to identify with anything at all. Like a marriage I believe certain things in that relationship should be private and this not my lack of belief in god is why I don’t talk about it. Last night’s blow however made me realize that my god is potentially telling me I am worth more than just a Charity bib, and that maybe I am underestimating myself. Don’t get me wrong god could just be saying 2015 is not the year for you, or that I may not even be able to run a marathon with the strength necessary to do another after the ones I have scheduled. One thing I do know is that there is a reason for this blow, and I have belief that it is not a negative one. I believe that the things in life that knock us down are meant to be used as stepping stones for growth, and this is why I believe god is telling me you are worthy of more than this.

To further my belief that maybe I’m being told that I’ve been sold short is the fact I now have a coach who with only two meetings one of which I actually ran he seems to believe that I have been sold short.  He believes coaches haven’t been willing to push me. He believes I have a great love of running, passion, and ability to match but my confidence is lacking. My training though ok to get there has never been structured enough to gain the results I am capable of. The truth is I was too nervous to hire a coach in the past due to fears I would crumble. My lack of confidence due to my disease and my complex medical problems allowed volunteer coaches to not push me to my greatest heights. The truth is I have been sold short by myself and allowed others to do the same. Through focus and structure I can be a much better runner than I am but I have to change the way I think and work hard to get there.

To top off the lack of belief in me as an athlete my doctors have not helped. I have a team of doctors who were nervous when I started running; they are just now accepting that it has helped me on a lot of levels. That acceptance doesn’t mean they don’t continue to worry about wear and tear over the years on top of my condition.  This is the reason they’ve told me to not attempt a Boston Qualifier because last year in training I threw my hips out, and the spring prior my knees went nuts. They are not willing to clear the high intensity training because of this.  Maybe this thought process needs to be disregarded because the truth is it is not my fault I fell apart last year I had a condition that was in downward spiral out of control for over two years. Since the start of remicade I’m certainly not in remission but I am stable for the first time in almost three years. This is an entirely different situation than when I attempted a low grade marathon training plan on last year. Furthermore this year I’m not attempting the marathon on my own but with a coach who is taking a plan and will modify it to get the best out of me. I have to remember I am swimming uncharted waters with this disease and I have let my doctors like myself sell my abilities short.

I will not know until I get through this marathon training if my suspicion is true, but right now I’m going to hold the belief in my heart that the lord is telling me to prepare for a storm. The storm is the attempt to Boston Qualify. All I can do right now is focus hard on this training plan and see where it leads me. If I hold against this wind I march forward into the eye of the storm. It is time for me to batten down the hatches and stand up to the storm not evacuate like I have in the past. It is time for me to see if I can hold against the first bands of wind and rain and if I can hold strong in this training then my first marathon it is time for me to do what I do best and not take no for an answer.

The simple truth is I feel I’m being told it’s my time to take a stand. Boston you may not consider our charity worthy enough to be on your bill board, but we are. To my doctors you may not think I am strong enough to do this but I think you have sold me short. I won’t know for several months yet but for now I need to hold in my heart the belief that I am being told a lie and that I am worth so much more than this lie. I have to believe first to get my dream that not only am I worthy to run Boston despite arthritis, but that I am able to prove that I’m capable. So though I am not announcing yet my intentions to Boston Qualify, my heart is telling me listen to your body if it works with you this training season don’t listen to the nay sayers just push onward. It was the simple answer of “No” that drove me into endurance sports and now maybe it’s the simple double “no” that I need to excel as a runner.  It is time to work hard, push for results, and believe in the purpose that I am not just worthy I am capable and I am not just an arthritic. I am a runner to the core and this disease is not my master, my life can help others. Even if I can’t have my charity on a master list I can raise funds and show everyone in the process that I am what Boston was made of. I am worthy Boston and though I’m not ready to say it quite yet, just know in a few months you may just get my scream of “Boston Your Challenge Has Been Accepted”.